JOKE!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Butoffcourse.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

[Simon Culling]

I heard this one many years ago, so I have had to wing it:

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far flung part of the Empire, and the big burly leader of their captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen' just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Oxford Cathedral Choir."

The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, to be sure."

The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Abergavenny Male Voice Choir."

The Scotsman rubs his chin and says quietly, "Och Aye, can ya shoot me first, Jimmy"

[tgsnoopy]

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says "Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp.".

The old man replies, "Whoa wait buddy, I don't have that much money, but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.".

The old man calls his son, as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says "So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I'm going to beat the heck out of him and you!".

The son answers "Okay, give me 15 minutes and I'll be there.".

Exactly 15 minutes later the son pulls up in a Navy minibus, ten men jump out and beat the heck out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says "Dad I train Navy Seals, not Dolphins.".

[Orion]

Police have confirmed that the man who died after falling from the roof of a nightclub was not a bouncer.

[tgsnoopy]

Why did I get divorced?

No it wasn't through growing apart, 7 year itch, mid life crisis, affair or anything like that. After being happily married many years and raising some great children, it's actually kind of tragic.

Well, last week was my 40th Birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday, my parent's didn't call and my children too seemed to have forgotten. So I went to work and none of my colleagues wished me a happy birthday. Finally after doing various morning routines I entered my office and my secretary said "Happy Birthday boss." After the disappointment of the morning so far, I felt so special and appreciated. She asked me out for lunch and treated me at my favorite restaurant.

Later in the afternoon my secretary invited me to her apartment. She's a wonderful person, great worker and a friend. We went there and she said "Do you mind if I go in to the bedroom for a minute?"

Of course I replied "Ok".

She came out a minute or two later with a birthday cake, presents, my wife, my children, my parents, my friends and colleagues all yelling "Surprise".

I'm not sure who was more surprised, them or me as I sat on her couch, naked.

[Simon Culling]

This joke is doing the rounds at the moment as a leg pull against our wonderful departing Prime Minister.

A turkey was chatting to a bull in a field and sighed "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They are packed with nutrients". The turkey took the bull's advice and pecked at the pile of droppings and found it actually did give him enough energy to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more of the bull's dung, he was able to reach the second branch. Finally, after a fourth day of eating the bull's dung, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was spotted by the farmer who promptly shot him out of the tree.

The moral of this story is that bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!!

[tgsnoopy]

FOUR FACTS:

A wise person once said... (Some of these facts are kind of irrefutable):

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Lion Red, DB Export, Steinlager, Tui & Speights. Men may state their preferences, but they will usually grab whatever is available.

AND - I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit!

4. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Jesus walks into a bar and orders 12 glasses of water.
His apostles say "What?"
Jesus in return, winks.

[tgsnoopy]

This story doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him. "You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What do you call bees that make milk instead of honey?

Boob Bees

[Orion]

My three favourite things are eating my cats and not using commas.

[Orion]

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I went into a bar in Dublin where I saw a man at the bar wearing only one glove. I thought he may of damaged his hand in an accident hence the wearing of the glove. I went up to ask him what happened to his hand. He said there was nothing wrong with his hand but he heard on the weather forecast that today maybe warm but on the other hand it may be cold, so I came along prepared.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the archeologist who wanted to commit suicide?
He said that his life was in ruins.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

There was an Irish priest named (What else?) Pat, who was called to a parish in England. Now Pat's whole family, for generations, had made an avocation of despising the English. The bishop knew this and he called Pat in for a word of prayer before Pat's departure.
"Pat," he said, "I'm going to nip this in the bud. You are called to minister to Christ's flock. Geography and politics don't apply. I'm aware that you've actually used the bully pulpit over here to rail against the English, but if I hear of any more of that, we'll have to reexamination your suitability for the priesthood.
Understood?
Pat swallowed his Fenianism and went off to his new parish. Soon, the bishop began to receive reports of his ministry. His English flock loved him. They found him personable and comforting. The Bishop was highly pleased. Everything went swimmingly. Until Maundy Thursday,
And on Maundy Thursday evening, Pat mounted the pulpit and began:
"Picture, if yez will, all the disciples of Ar Lard gathered around the table, and Ar Lard sez, 'Sure, an' before the night's over one of yez'll betray me.'
"Well, ye nivver saw such consternation. Each of the Twelve in turn askin' horrified, 'Is it I, Lard, is it I?' And Jesus would say to each, 'No, my beloved friend, it's not you.'
"Until it came to Judas Iscariot down at the end of the table. And Judas Iscariot looks at the Saviour and says:
'Cor blimey, Guv'nor, it hain't me is it?' "

[Orion]

"I'm building a model of Mount Everest."

"Is it to scale?"

"No, it's just to look at."

[Simon Culling]

Paddy O'Riley loved his job as driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He survived unscathed, but a single person sadly died. Well, needless to say, he was taken to court over this incident, he was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal and after eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Irish law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train and having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same way as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair, the switch was thrown, sparks flew and smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again he somehow managed to get his old job back, and to what should have been to the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people this time. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death at the resulting trial. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas this time.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man yet again was unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

[Orion]

Captain Kirk: I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener.
Mr Spock: That sounds illogical.
Captain Kirk: It makes scents when you think about it.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

My new girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tyre.
So I called my parents and said "Sorry mum, we are going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture"
"Oh dear!", she sighed, I thought you had a real one this time".

[Orion]

Teacher: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.

4 yr old: ??

Teacher: You've put your shoes on the wrong feet!

4 yr old: But I don't have any other feet.

[Orion]

My grandad patented a cold air balloon system but it never really took off.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I've just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, I'm not covered.

[Orion]

A pun has not completely matured until it is full groan.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I see that there are 4 billionaires trapped in an underwater submarine thing around the wreck of the Titanic.
They are experiencing trouble down there and running out of oxygen.
Why not send in Jeff Tracy and his sons down there with Gordon Tracy in Thunderbird 4 to rescue them?
"As Thunderbirds Are Go", why wouldn't they use them to rescue the billionaires?
As Tony T said, "Too many strings attached to that idea..."
Good one Tony