JOKE!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I went to a restaurant the other day and ordered a curry pelican.
It was delicious but the bill was massive.

[Orion]

I bought a jumper at a bargain price because it was a 'second'.

I checked it over carefully and the only fault I could find was that one sleeve was slightly longer than the other two.

[Orion]

It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.

You have .... 4 mist messages.

[Simon Culling]

An old farmer friend of mine told me he could tell if it was going to rain by whether his cows were lying down or standing up.

I asked "what if half of them were standing up and half of them were lying down?"

He replied that means half of them are wrong.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why is a permanently stuck crane the best friend you will ever have?
It will never let you down.

[Orion]

Psychiatrist: I hear that you have tattoos all over your back and shoulders.

Patient: Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour them in.

Psychiatrist: Why would you do that?

Patient: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

[Orion]

My wife’s been nagging me all day to stop behaving like a flamingo. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

II had a terrifying experience last night.
I was alone in the house having a bath...when all of a sudden...I felt a tap on my shoulder.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

2 men chatting away in a bar.
One says to the other, "My wife knows that I'm cheating, she found my secret letters"
The other guy says, "You both take scrabble, way to seriously".

[Simon Culling]

This is an oldie but still a goodie:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old replies, "I've never felt better doc. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then replies to his patient. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What happens when you lie under a cow?
You get a pat on your head.

[Orion]

Don’t believe everything that you read on Social Media!

- Winston Churchill

[Orion]

The coffee shop had a sign that read "No WiFi, pretend that it's 1973!" so I paid 1s/3d and lit a cigarette.

[Orion]

Just bought myself an original Van Gogh coffee table.

Got it cheap as it has a bit of veneer missing.

[Simon Culling]

A shy gentleman goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After a few drinks and an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

Everyone in the bar turns their head in unison and stares at them, and naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m very sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

[Orion]

"Just bought a new hearing aid. Two thousand quid. State of the art."

- "What kind is it?"

"12:30."

[Orion]

Q. Where do bad rainbows go?

A. To prism. It's a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect.

[Simon Culling]

Christnas Cracker joke:

Q: How did the reindeer learn to play the piano?

A: He was elf taught!

[Orion]

Due to the really bad weather, my friend decided to see if his 83 yr old neighbour needed anything from the shop. She did, so he gave her his list. No point in both of them going out in this weather

[Orion]

I’ve opened 3 Christmas cards and already have 150 dollars!

I love being a mailman.