JOKE!

[snowstormwatcher]

Why didnt the man apply for a job during an anticyclone?

He thought that the Job interview would be to much of a high pressure situation

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the comments made by the Carmalite Nuns after the recent earthquake in Christchurch?

They were speechless!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why didnt the man apply for a job during an anticyclone?

He thought that the Job interview would be to much of a high pressure situation

I don't blame him, Imagine if he suffered from depression???

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I see that Elton John has composed a new song about Osama bin Ladin.
It's called "Sandals in the Bin"

[snowstormwatcher]

There were two men out fishing on the local river when a fish and game officer came over. One of the men dropped his gear and ran into the trees. The officer chased after him about five minutes later the man came out of the bush and the officer asked for his licence he handed over the licence and the officer asked Why did you run away you have a licence?? The man replied yes but see my friend over there in the distance running away well he didnt have a licence.

[03Stormchaser]

There were two men out fishing on the local river when a fish and game officer came over. One of the men dropped his gear and ran into the trees. The officer chased after him about five minutes later the man came out of the bush and the officer asked for his licence he handed over the licence and the officer asked Why did you run away you have a licence?? The man replied yes but see my friend over there in the distance running away well he didnt have a licence.

http://youtu.be/ZNIVZsCh1QY

[jrj]

A Scotsman went to his tailor to sort out his wedding outfit. He said "I'm not sure whether to wear breeks or a kilt". The tailor asked "What's the tartan?"

"Oh, she's wearing white." he replied.

[tgsnoopy]

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says, "My dad's so scared, when lightening strikes, he hides under the bed!"

The second kid laughs & replies, "Yeah well that's nothing! My dad's such a wimp- when my mum works nightshift, he sleeps with my sister!

[Storm Struck]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks where are the tampons?, the assistant replies " over there mate".
The man returns with cotton wool balls and toilet paper.
"Thought you wanted tampons"? says the assistant, "Yeah well last week i asked the wife to buy me 20 pack of fags but she came back with a pouch of tobacco, so we will see how she likes rolling her own".

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's a joke I just made up

Why is Dan Carter's thighs like a rock proturberance near Redcliffs?

They are both shagged.

so was Ritchie McCaw after clinching the RWC last Sunday

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why did the container ship RENA crack up?

It couldn't container herself

[Richard]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:

A Yale graduate, and an Irish hunter.

They were given a single word, and then allowed two minutes to come
up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.


The crowd went crazy!

No way could the Irishman top that, they thought.
The Irish hunter calmly made his way to the microphone and recited his poem:
'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Irishman won hands down.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

This meteorologist had had enough of meteorology so for a change of jobs he thought he would try his skills at gynaecology.
At the job centre in Tokoroa, he sees a card advertising for a job as a 'Gynaecologist's Assistant'.
He asks the receptionist behind the desk, "Can you give me more details about this?"
The receptionist sorts through her files and replies, "Oh yes, here it is, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist".
"Ah-Huh", he thinks to himself, "This job may give me the insight of what it is like being a gynaecologist, instead of being a boring meteorologist. At least with this job, things are looking up!"
The receptionist tells him that the job requires you to help the ladies out of their clothes, lie them down and gently wash their neither regions, then do some shaving and moisturising, so that they are ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
"There is a starting salary of $85000, but you're going to have to go to Invercargill"
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the meteorlogist asks.
"No", replied the receptionist, "that's the end of the queue"

[Richard]

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'lonely Street in Dublin when she meet up with Father Flaherty


The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'She replied Aye thatye did father
The Father asked 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied 'No not yet Father'
The Father said, 'Well now,

I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing in all!'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out the blordy candle

[tgsnoopy]

August 31st - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13th - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this! . I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the bastard flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 16th - Fell asleep by the pool the other day. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do. Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20th - Didn't notice our cat sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.. By the time I got back to the car after work, it had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat s*&t, try as the wife likes she can't get rid of the smell. I've learned my lesson though, no more pets for the kids in this kind of heat.

October 25th - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant <bleep> blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! Dries the heck out of everything in the blink of an eye, the wife has to water the garden twice a day. Now the home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from <bleep> Perth, the wife and kids are complaining like crazy.

October 29th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the <bleep> air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

October 30th - Got woken by a hell of a bang as <bleep> lightning hit the power pole down the road. Got <bleep> soaked by a heavy downpour from the sudden storm, we were all asleep outside trying to get away from the heat. All our bedding was wet so as the wife was trying to get stuff dry we discovered the TV, Microwave, washer, drier, TV, Satellite, Computer, cordless phone etc were all fried. f^%k, thank Christ for insurance.

November 1st - f^%k, it's going to take weeks to sort out the electronics fried by the lightning. Locals laughed and said "Didn't you know you need surge protectors and unplug things when they aren't in use". The service guy said we were one of the last to bring stuff in and he has weeks of work from it. No choice but to buy and borrow stuff cause the dick does stuff in the order it's received, then you have to wait for parts.

November 4th - Finally got the <bleep> air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. <bleep> thief.

November 8th - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to <bleep> throttle him. <bleep> heat! ! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my <bleep> clothes are soaking <bleep> wet and I smell like baked cat. <bleep> place is the end of the Earth.

November 9th - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my <bleep> arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my <bleep> arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. f^%k f^%k f^%k.

November 10th -- The Weather report might as well be a <bleep> recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and <bleep> sunny. It never <bleep> changes! It's been too hot to do anything for 2 <bleep> months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. f^%k!! The only rain is the occasional short heavy rain during vicious thunderstorms that smashes the f^%k out of everything and fries anything electronic.

November 15th - Doesn't it ever rain properly in this damn <bleep> place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the <bleep> pool. The only things that thrive in this <bleep> hell-hole are the <bleep> flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 23rd - f^%k, heard from the service guy, cost of repair of the microwave, TV, Drier and Satellite too high & need replacing, other have parts ordered and will be another couple of weeks. Bloody insurance company won't reimburse me for the stuff I already replaced and is organising replacements.

November 29th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 Fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the <bleep> car up his <bleep> arse. Anyway, the wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. <bleep> Karratha! ! What kind of sick, demented <bleep> idiot would want to live here!

December 1st - WHAT!!!! They say it's the FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are <bleep> kidding me! It's going to get hotter! Oh f^%k!!!!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why did the container ship RENA crack up?

It couldn't container herself

Isee, it's really cracking up now

[tgsnoopy]

The two pieces of Rena were reported to be 50m apart about 11am this morning. Lots of containers in the water.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Paddy went to the pub and ordered a Guiness.
The publican aked him "How would you like it?"
He said "Lying down"

[tgsnoopy]

Warning, do not click on the link below unless your sense of humor is intact and you aren't a prude. You have been warned.

Next American Idol winner? Very patriotic!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I bought some 'Rocket salad' yesterday at the local market but it went off before i could eat it!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the man who died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball?
His funeral was the other day.
It was a lovely service.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

it just shows you how boring the weather is here,with me posting more jokes than weather related information.
ANYWAY,
Apparently, the local police have been hunting the so called "Knitting Needle Nutter" around the district.
Using knitting needles to stab the victims.
Police believe the attacker may be following some kind of pattern.

[tgsnoopy]

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "

It took me three months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

If H2O is found inside a fire hydrant, what is found on the outside?
K9P.

[Richard]

Thought for the day. Now that was a good one.