JOKE!

[Richard]

Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now ....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[tgsnoopy]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We're getting a new kitchen.”

[tgsnoopy]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded Pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match..

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well", says the vet, "lets have a look at him"
So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"What, because he is cross-eyed?"
" No because he is really heavy...."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase:

“ Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating” .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

[Richard]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[Richard]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."



The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,

"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger and you can go and get f######."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.

[Richard]

How Experts Ask for a Raise
The German maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about the this raise.
She asked, "Now Inge, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"
maid joke
"Inge: "Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Inge: "Your husband he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Inge: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "that's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Inge: "Your hozban he did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Inge: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my husband say that as well?"
Inge: "No Madam... The gardener did."
(moment of silence....)
"So, how much do you want?"

[Richard]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."

[Richard]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.

[Richard]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.
The waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
Noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table – but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this Behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

[Richard]

TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE

Twin sisters in a Dublin Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and takepictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and
the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! THE BOTH OF US????"

[Richard]

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," said the mother. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts doesn't it!?!"

[Richard]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus, and she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied,"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident', I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[tgsnoopy]

A guy goes to a supermarket and spots a beautiful blonde, she waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I laid on the pool table with, all my friends watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my bum?"

She replies "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[tgsnoopy]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde female Genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The Guy makes his three wishes and the two blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a huge mansion beside a golf-course, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he notices there is something unusual under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 notes.

Then, suddenly there is a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, “I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to... I can also understand him wanting to be a Multi-Millionaire, rich enough to throw down $100 notes on the floor. But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.”

[tgsnoopy]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go for a leak”. The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and most impolite”.

The teacher then asked of another student “What about you, Sherman, how would you say it”? Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back”. “That's better”, said the teacher, “but it's still not very nice to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the dinner table”.

Then the teacher looked at our mate, little Johnny, saying “and you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners”. Little Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner”.

The Teacher fainted!

[Richard]

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open,and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.

[tgsnoopy]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him diegine, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young Gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'

''Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!' says Murphy proudly.

[Richard]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER!’ HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED? HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED,FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED…

‘WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?’

[tgsnoopy]

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'.

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'When you met her she was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell..... Pregnant.'

[tgsnoopy]

Irish Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son, ain't dat grand!".

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!". The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She is a pretty lil ting, too.".

Murphy looked kind of puzzled by this.

Then the doctor said, "Hold on, we aint got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?".

The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.".

Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception.".

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.".

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night.".

Murph said, "I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40!".

[tgsnoopy]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell..?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What..? He had two assholes..?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Sounds as though you have been opening too many Christmas crackers there, Neil