JOKE!

[tgsnoopy]

Get sent so many, they are a low priority for me & often get left until I find the time. There were plenty I laughed at but were over the top for here. These were a few of the tamer ones. Even then one was a little toned down

[Richard]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[tgsnoopy]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[tgsnoopy]

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general; pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologise, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** sitting on your lap."

[Richard]

Paddy, the Irish wrestler was set to square off for the Olympic gold medal against Ivan, the Russian champion.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, pinning him down and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!'
The Irishman answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could...'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really' answered Paddy, 'but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts...!'

[tgsnoopy]

A Heart Warming Scottish Story.

Aahh, makes your heart sing.

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.

'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

[Richard]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times' sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies,
'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

[jamie]

Brilliant

[tgsnoopy]

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[Simon Culling]

Two fleas are resident on a woman's fanny. One is a junkie and the other is a pervert. How do you tell them apart?

Well, one snorts crack and the other hides in the bush!

[Richard]

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"

This more senior woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-

"Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day

Makes perfectly good sense to me!!

[Orion]

"Bought the missus a hamster-skin coat last week.

Took her to the Fair last night - it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris Wheel."

[Richard]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

​

​

[Richard]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered 'THE TEETH.'

[Richard]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[tgsnoopy]

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognise her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and Storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it; she is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[Richard]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've got only one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

“I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
“So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate Paddy,
and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple - it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock !!!"

[Simon Culling]

You guys certainly love the Irish jokes. A non-Irish joke for you.....although it would follow the genre!

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why're you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied, "only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?" I asked.

"I couldn't care less, that's his problem."

[Richard]

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

My St. Patrick's day joke.
An Irish fellow sees a vacancy for a job in a blacksmiths shop.
He goes in and asks about the job.
The blacksmith says, "Are you good at shoeing horses?"
Paddy says, "I don't know about that but I asked a donkey to piss off' , last week".

[Brassnz]

A weatherman in the U.S. reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many cold, gloomy forecasts.

No more mist and ice guy.

[Nev]

^ Very good…

[tgsnoopy]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[tgsnoopy]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie guy has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

NO ONE SPEAKS.

THE OLD LADY THINKS: "The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.".

THE BLONDE SWISS GIRL THINKS: "That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.".

THE Aussie THINKS: "The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.".

THE Kiwi THINKS: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that bloody Aussie again.".

[Richard]

love it