JOKE!

[tgsnoopy]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted.

[Richard]

A garbage collector is driving along a Remuera street picking up the
wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean,
where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[tgsnoopy]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
Night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll
Not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll
Be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He
Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the
Stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
Flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He crawls to the door
And shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
A deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
The sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He
Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the
Stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes
A step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and
Falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
Coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
Night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . .. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

In a pizza parlour, there was this man who ordered a small pizza to go.
This man seemed to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like to cut it into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time, then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6".

[tgsnoopy]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says: "I think I can get you out."

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[Richard]

[tgsnoopy]

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are
you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again --
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"


(get ready for this)



The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why did Frankenstein have no children?
It was due to the fact that his nuts were around his neck.

[Richard]

Explanation of the Greek Bailout.


It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!

[Richard]

Joan was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing-home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long narrow corridors.
Because she was suffering with dementia, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in with her.
One day, Joan was speeding up one corridor, when a door opened, and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "S-T-O-P!," he shouted. "Have you got a license for that thing Joan. Joan fished around in her handbag, and pulled out a Mars Bar wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK", he said, and away Joan sped away down the hallways again.
As she took the corner near the TV-lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her, and shouted, 'S-T-O-P !" Have you got proof of insurance for that motorized vehicle Joan ?"
Joan dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer-mat, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded at her, and said, "Fine . . . on your way, Ma'am, and watch your speed !"
As Joan neared the final corridor, old Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his erect penis tightly in his clenched hand.
"Oh, good grief," yelled Joan, "not that damn breathalyser-test again !!!"

[Willoughby]

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.

"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."

The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"

"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman

"Yes." replies the fish.

"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"

"Yes."

"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"

"Yes."

"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."

[Richard]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!...
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'

[Richard]

A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand.
Back and forth he stumbles
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh!
Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks,
"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Richard]

Brothel Sues Church

You cannot have it both ways! The judge's reasoning seems valid.
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an extension of their building to cater for their ever-growing business.
In response, the local church started a campaign to block the business from expanding - with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel was burned by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the never-ending power of prayer".
That was until 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, decided to sue the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "... was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business - either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge, JP Reynolds, read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing commented:
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer - and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

[Richard]

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL.
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

[Richard]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
“I'd take half and leave you,” she says.
“Great,” he says.
“Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday!

[Richard]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[Richard]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[Richard]

A Sri Lankan man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Sri Lanka on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Sri Lankan man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Sri Lanka for using a$250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Sri Lankan man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Sri Lankan replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

[Richard]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the Meenister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that."
“What's the tartan?...." asked Archie.
“Och," says Jimmy, "Ar'd imagine she'll be in white.”

[Orion]

A chap walks into a builder's merchant. "Can I have 25,000 house bricks and two square feet of steel mesh?"
Assistant. "What do you want all those bricks for?"
Chap. "I'm building a barbecue".
Assistant. "You don't need all those bricks to build a barbecue".
Chap. "Oh yes I do, I live on the 8th floor"

[Orion]

Sheepdog: Here's the 30 sheep you asked for.

Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.

Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.

[Richard]

very good

[Richard]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First Floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids"
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third Floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor,so further up they went.

Fourth Floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs"!

[Richard]

Car terminology:
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick"
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."