JOKE!

[Richard]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[Richard]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the Australian woman who used to wash her adopted son's hair with lager.
It was later on in his life,that he realised that he had been fostered.

[Richard]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[Orion]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and loud. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking XYZ Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"XYZ?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, they're always late and their flight attendants are unfriendly. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Hotel."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of XYZ's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a friendly stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a huge remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

[Richard]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'
'I'll try!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'

[Orion]

[Richard]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!",
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[Orion]

While trying to avoid hitting a cat, I lost control of my motorbike and ended up in a ditch.
I crawled out of the ditch, and a beautiful woman came to help me asking "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay I think," I said as I got up.
She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place to clean up, it's just up the road. You can get cleaned up and I'll check you're okay."
"That's good of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would be happy"
"Oh, come on, I’m a nurse," she said "We need to see if you are injured."
Well I couldn't say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't be happy."
We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she checked that I didn't have any major injuries and offered me a drink.
We had couple of drinks, but I was feeling guilty and said, "I feel better now, but I know my wife's going to be really annoyed so I'd better go now."
"Don't be daft" she said, "Stay a bit. She won't know anything. I suppose she'll be at home, right?"
"Well, no" I said," she must still be in the ditch..."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I went to the supermarket in Temuka today and there was no bread at all for sale, likewise at Timaru's Pack and Save.
Some-one asked me if it was because of the Coris-19 virus?
I said that it was probably because the bakers were on strike as "They needed the dough"

[Orion]

"Your grandparents were called to war.

You're being called to sit on your couch.

You got this."

[TonyT]

So that's why people were buying up all the toilet paper- to stop us being ass-imilated!

90308337_10157380118717705_8014049068961497088_n.jpg

[Orion]

Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home
and will send us instructions on what to do

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What type of train should you avoid riding on during this current virus outbreak?
A choo choo train

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home
and will send us instructions on what to do

Just like when I told my wife, tonight, when ringing up her 99 year old mother, to make sure she had gloves on and wearing a face mask whilst talking to her on the phone.

[Orion]

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's something I found on social media.

" To the person who stole my glasses.
I will find you.
I have contacts"

[Simon Culling]

A couple of topical 'virus jokes' that have been doing the rounds:

Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart...…....now I fart to cover a cough.

Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.

[tgsnoopy]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Nôtre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”
“No matter”, said the man, “Observe!”
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety-five church steps to find that a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly. “I don't know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother!”

[tgsnoopy]

A male patient is lying in bed in the Coronary Care Unit at a local hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Orion]

[Orion]

A couple living near a busy road were fed up because every time a bus rumbled by, the wardrobe door swung open.
The wife decided to get a joiner in to fix the wardrobe.
The joiner checked it over and couldn’t find a fault so got inside the wardrobe.
Just then, the husband came home and went into the bedroom. “What’s going on”, he demanded, as he opened the wardrobe doors.
The joiner said, “You won’t believe me, mate, but I’m waiting for a bus!”

[Richard]

Flat earthers fear that the current 2 m social distancing will end up pushing some people over the edge.

[Nev]

My bank manager rang the other day and said he'd like to talk about my 'outstanding balance'.
I said, 'thanks, I used to do gymnastics' and hung up.

[Orion]

A very irate wife confronts her husband the minute he walks in the front door of their home.

"Where have you been, you should have been home hours ago. You told me you were going golfing with your friend Andy - well? - where were you?"

As he falls into his chair he says,

"I was golfing with Andy. He had a heart attack and died on the fourth hole."

"Oh my goodness!" replies the the wife, stunned at the news and embarrassed by her behaviour. "Are you OK?" she asks, looking to console her husband.

"I am exhausted" he says, looking at her.

"Hit the ball, drag Andy. Hit the ball, drag Andy. Hit the ball, drag Andy......"