JOKE!

[Orion]

​Geology rocks but geography is where it's at.

[Orion]

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water.

That didn't go down well....

[tgsnoopy]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

(This is a mutation of a column written by Peter Egan and published in Road and Track back in 1996)

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Can't work my wife out.
First, she says, "Yes, it's fine to have a tattoo"
Now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's a building I found here in Geraldine, during my daily lockdown walks, which would survive a very strong earthquake, because it is, and I quote of that saying "As strong as a Brick Shithouse"

[Orion]

The Seven Dwarfs have been told that as from Monday they can meet in groups of six - one of them isn't Happy

[Orion]

A priest, a rabbit and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says to the rabbit, "What do you want to drink?"

The rabbit replies,"I don’t know, I’m only here because of predictive text.”

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's a joke I made up whilst having tea tonight.
What do you call it when 2 cartoonists can't decide which of their drawings are the best.
They fight over it, but in the end of it, no one wins,so in the end they said, "Let's call it a draw"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I lost my belt the other day so I decided to make one out of all my old watches,
As it didn't work it, I thought it was a waist of time.

[Orion]

"Could anyone who is here for yodelling lessons please form an orderly orderly orderly queue."

[Orion]

There are two rules for success...

1. Never reveal everything you know.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's a sign I noticed outside a Geraldine pub today.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Latest from the Geraldine Pub

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Now our local cheese factory/shop, (not to be confused with Talbot Forest Cheese, which is now made in Temuka) are getting into the act.

[Storm Struck]

If a midget comments on the smell of a womans hair, is that considered sexual harassment .

[tgsnoopy]

If you are particularly sensitive without a sense of humour, stop reading now. Has a religious twist.

*******************************

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom". As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my face they would recognize."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the member of the Flat Earth Society who was asked to leave the meeting when he questioned as to whether the 2 metre social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet?

[Orion]

A man sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede, priced at $120.
Thinking he's found a bargain, he buys it and takes it home in a box.
After about 30 minutes, he opens the box and politely asks the centipede if he would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn't answer.
So a couple of minutes later, he asks again, but still no response.
He starts to get a bit annoyed, and thinking he's been done, he shouts the question again, at which the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time, you idiot, I'm putting my blasted shoes on!"

[Orion]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, excellent," says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[Orion]

I have trouble with Roman numerals all the way to 159. Then it CLIX

[Orion]

A Dutchman walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and tells the owner that he'd like to buy a cat.

"Of course, sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels."

"Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland."

"Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and therefore quite expensive."

"Oh dear", said the man, "I certainly can't afford any of those pedigree Dutch cats but I’m very keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can.
Tell me, how Dutch is that moggie in the window?”

[Richard]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A couple have dinner at a Chinese restaurant.
The Chinese waiter later asks how their meal was.
The man replies " Tell your cook the fish was very rubbery" .
The waiter says "oh thank you thank you".

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Apparently Gerry Brownlee was carted off to hospital today.
There have been reports that he is suffering from labour pains.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

....a new wine has come onto the market in the United States....