JOKE!

[Orion]

Bought a self-assembly bird table last week.
I left it in the garden and they haven't even opened the box yet.

[Orion]

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Apparently there is a book being written about our latest Covid-19 lockdown.
It's called "Why Are We In Lockdown 4 Again" by Justin Case.

[Orion]

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person!

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

[tgsnoopy]

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without
forgetting. One day a florist in Ottawa went to a barber for a
haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service
this week' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen Tim Horton donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MP's lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said: "Both politicians and diapers need to be
changed often and for the same reason."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Robert asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing.
After 3 minutes of violent shaking and trying to push him over backwards, the preacher asked "How's your hearing?"
Robert replied, "I don't know. It doesn't take place until next Tuesday at the courthouse".

[Orion]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Why did the person who wanted to lose weight eat only a light bulb for lunch?
They thought it was a bright idea to have a light lunch. just made that up

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I like they way they said that you had to move your clocks forward on Sunday for Daylight Saving.
I did that once but I thought that the clock might fall off the mantelpiece and land on the ground in case of an earthquake, so I just left it there.

[tgsnoopy]

This is an actual letter sent to Jan Tinetti the Minister with the Internal Affairs portfolio in New Zealand. The Labour Government has tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing!

Dear Ms Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that The Warehouse has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and refrigerator and socks from them back in 1997, and yet the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?

For Christ’s sake, does your department do this by hand ?

My birth date is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've been filling out every 5 years.

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Ms Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to Australia and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Ozzie sheila).

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep, kangaroo, camel or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of the city , and get yet another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $100 or so for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo, that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

Signed - An Irate Kiwi.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since before 1840!

I have also served the Army for something over 25 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSA

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from
the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!

[Orion]

A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”

The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…”

The guy replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.”

The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?”

And the guy says, “Your light was on.”

[Orion]

"I went to an outdoor restaurant yesterday and it started raining.
Took me two hours to finish my soup."

[tgsnoopy]

Forget about the crappy service from United Airlines. The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man . . .

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

[Cyclone Tracy]

Prices are going up everywhere at the moment. I went for a paid swim with sharks on the weekend and it cost me an arm and a leg.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no one there to hear him, is he still wrong?

[Orion]

A mathematician, a geneticist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe, watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.

The physicist states: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The geneticist's conclusion: "They have been cloned."

The mathematician replies: "If now exactly one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A truck with Vicks Vapour Rub overturned on a major highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

[Simon Culling]

A little boy goes to his father and asks the question, "What is politics?" The father answers, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, well she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class and your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his father had said, but later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep and not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I now understand the concept of politics." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

An appropriate song for this day and age.
From Monty Python:
singing
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
but only when there're green

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
but not when they are red

I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
I like traffic lights
although my names not Bamber ( although Ive changed it to Adern)

it goes on.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A Christmassy Joke picture.

image.png

[Orion]

"Do not drink and wrap presents.

Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back."

[Orion]

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls.

It called for fresh thyme. Mine was outdated but I used it anyway.

You know, as I look back on it, I really liked that old thyme Moroccan roll.

[tgsnoopy]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This one was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her chest.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um… equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too heavy to be held in the hand very long.”
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.

[tgsnoopy]

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
A trial, in a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly had a heart attack.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will hold you in contempt of court and remand you in the cells'.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

As I was putting on an old pair of socks today, I noticed there were lots of thin parts in the material and the heel had a bit of a hole in it.
I thought, it looks that they were on their last legs.