A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now, he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion’s cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and asks:
"What's the food like here?"
The lions say:
"Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
JOKE!
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching
for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-
1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the
5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered
around the grave They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the
group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the
music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's de-Composing."
sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching
for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-
1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the
5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered
around the grave They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the
group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the
music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's de-Composing."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Another one for ya
40 years of marriage...
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being lloving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…
40 years of marriage...
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being lloving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning ... YOU DONT
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning ... YOU DONT
Last edited by Richard on Sun 04/08/2013 22:00, edited 1 time in total.
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live Crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries inspector.
The inspector says to the Maori that it looks like he has caught a couple of under size crayfish.
The Maori says, "Nah Bro, these are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.
Then the Maori says, "Nah Bro just watch" and chucks the crayfish into the surf.
The MAF officer then says, " Ok let's see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you."
And the Maori fella says, "What crayfish?"
The inspector says to the Maori that it looks like he has caught a couple of under size crayfish.
The Maori says, "Nah Bro, these are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home."
The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.
Then the Maori says, "Nah Bro just watch" and chucks the crayfish into the surf.
The MAF officer then says, " Ok let's see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you."
And the Maori fella says, "What crayfish?"
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Roses...
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said
'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said
'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Words that end in "TOR"
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
-
Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled....
'For f*#k's sake ........ You should see the back of mine!'
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled....
'For f*#k's sake ........ You should see the back of mine!'
-
Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10...
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed.
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out,i just have one more question,
what will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10...
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed.
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce,
it seems like you have everything figured out,i just have one more question,
what will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
-
Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Tom was working in the garden and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife indicated that she understood and signal Ed back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied,
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife indicated that she understood and signal Ed back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied,
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A bloke walks into a brothel and says:
"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies “$60”.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt”.
"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies “$60”.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt”.
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
Standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
Tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
States that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance
against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
And asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."
Standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and
Tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
Complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
States that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance
against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
And asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."
-
Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
Surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind
him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle
horn so I wouldn't fall off."
“Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
when her car broke down
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
Surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind
him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle
horn so I wouldn't fall off."
“Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."