JOKE!

[tgsnoopy]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,



'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Richard]

[Richard]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and ...
singing......."I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[Richard]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.

[tgsnoopy]

I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.

No joke! It is a documented side effect albeit a rare side effect of an anti depression medication Prozac. Some women do indeed have orgasms after sneezing.

[Richard]

Oh ok,aren't they lucky

[Richard]

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a Tetanus shot.'

[Richard]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[Richard]

On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

[Richard]

The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."
Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."
Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

excellent

[Richard]

Ten Catholic priests were killed in a road accident.
At the pearly gates St. Peter says "if any of you are paedophiles you can f***off down to hell".
Nine of the priests start to walk away when St Peter shouts out....."and you can take the deaf ba***rd with you".

[Richard]

Masambula, an immigrant to the UK from the dark continent , cannot find a job.
Desperate, he goes down to the docks at Liverpool and applies to be a seaman.
A captain interviews him and says - have you any experience at sea?
No , says Masambula, but I am hard working and a very honest man.
So the captain decides to take him on.
In the middle of the Atlantic in a raging storm he is told to scrub down the decks but a massive wave comes along, and sweeps him overboard in a second.
The first mate goes up to the Captain and says 'You know that honest man you hired?
Yes says the Captain, what about him?
Well, he's just f***ed off with your mop!

[Richard]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
Trip to Sydney
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
The Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
Having a great time, when one of them realized she
Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
Decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
And whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

[Richard]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time..' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Richard]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an Alphabet wife -
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the heck does that mean ?"
He told her "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J and K ?"
He replied "I'm Just Kidding!"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the blonde man who saw an envelope on the ground.
It had written on it, "Do Not bend"
Apparently, he spent about 2 hours trying to think on how to pick it up ????

[Richard]

[Richard]

Today Bob was beaten up by a woman!
It all started when he was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
He was staring at her boobs when she said,
would he please press 1.
So he did.

[Richard]

Rae and her husband John went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Rae went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Rae to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!
Rae shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Tuesdays and Thursdays... But on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I play GOLF...

[Willoughby]

Today Bob was beaten up by a woman!
It all started when he was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
He was staring at her boobs when she said,
would he please press 1.
So he did.

Lmao that's hilarious!!!

[Richard]

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday".

[Richard]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a
good explanation..'
Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him
on the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
'Your horse phoned.'

[moylanr]

12 jokes for Christmas - #1

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"

[Richard]