JOKE!

[Richard]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying.... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #2

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bar tender says, "Sorry, we dont serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #3

The barman says " We dont serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters the bar.

[Orion]

Subtle

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #4

Descartes walks into a bar. The batender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not." Descartes says. And then he disappears.

[Richard]

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #5

A palindrome walks in a bar, says "Yasraba Otni Sklawen Ordnilapa".


[They could get worse, so feel free to throw in others...]

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #6

At the end of a hard days work, a man walks into a bar and says,

"Ouch!"

It was an iron bar.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I think I have put this up before, but white horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky'
The barman is surprised
A white horse asking for a whisky
"Do you realize that there is a whisky named after you?"
The horse looks rather confused and says, "I've never heard of a whisky called Eric" ???

[moylanr]

The horse looks rather confused and says, "I've never heard of a whisky called Eric" ???

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #8

The Kiwi Christmas is going well and there are only two sausages left on the bbq. One sausage says
"Its been too hot today.", and the other one says "Hey, look - a talking sausage!"

[Richard]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts
"No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts
"No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage
" OK - smarty, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike
and starts to sing "A jazz chord to say I ruv you... "

[moylanr]

12 Jokes for Christmas - #10

The bouncer had already earned his pay that night when a jazz player walks into the bar carrying a jump lead. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

[tgsnoopy]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child, Little Johnny.

The doctor instructed Little Johnny to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

Little Johnny did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

No sooner had he done this than another baby pops out, than another, and yet another. A puzzled Little Johnny quickly blows out the lamp.

The doctor yells, "What did you do that for?"

"The light's attracting them!" replied Little Johnny.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

3 men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St.Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season"' St.Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven"
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pilled out a cigarette lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates", St. Peter said.
Next, St.Peter asked the Scotsman, the same question, so he fumbles through his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. "They're bells", he says. St. Peter says to him, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
Knowing that St. Peter would ask the Irishman the same question, he searches desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a woman's knickers.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eye-brow und asked, "and just what are those supposed to symbolise?"
Paddy replies, "they're Carols".

[Richard]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie.
She keeps getting these cravings.
She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the
mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this
but your daughter is pregnant, about 4 months, would be
my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be.
She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man,
I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there
staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and
3 wise men came over the hill, and there's no way
I'm going to miss it this time!"

[Richard]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Nathan."

All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent half dollar
When it used to be the size of a 5 cent nickel."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari,
You get $2,000 a week allowance,
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents?"

NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER!!!

[Lacertae]

http://xkcd.com/1324/

[Nev]

TC Dylan - humour.jpg

[Richard]

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Richard]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's one I just made up

Did you hear about the drag racer who had a terrible crash?

He got his high-heels stuck on the clutch

[Richard]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

[Richard]

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

You've built a Golf Course?

[Orion]