Irish Logic!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously"
What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,
naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ......she never got your email!"
JOKE!
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm with a very lavish home and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
"Yes, I do." Said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm with a very lavish home and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?
"Yes, I do." Said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait
for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....
Ees..... Ees....
Ees....
Ees...
Ees....
Ees..... a ham bush...."
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait
for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath....
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees....
Ees..... Ees....
Ees....
Ees...
Ees....
Ees..... a ham bush...."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Golf Fence
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney pub when he met
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in between the sheets together.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Randwick that day, she’d tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on
which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.
He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for
the winners in races 2 and 4 and would spoil her at diner.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'****', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched.
up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in between the sheets together.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to
the races at Randwick that day, she’d tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on
which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.
He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for
the winners in races 2 and 4 and would spoil her at diner.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'****', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched.
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this
house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!
His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this
house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff ....
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"
· A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
· A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
· A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the young Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What the Group Captain wondered was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked "And, why exactly would that be the case?"
The young Corporal replied, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
I was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite my efforts, I was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs To
my delight, I realized she was COMMANDO. (going without underwear) She saw
me staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," I replied and promised to avert my eyes.
"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew me a kiss.
I was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. I stared in amazement as the vagina
winked at me.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. I moved over and she
asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, I asked, "You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"
Despite my efforts, I was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs To
my delight, I realized she was COMMANDO. (going without underwear) She saw
me staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," I replied and promised to avert my eyes.
"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew me a kiss.
I was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
"I can also make it wink," she replied. I stared in amazement as the vagina
winked at me.
"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. I moved over and she
asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, I asked, "You're shittin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Telephone survey;
Last month, a world wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The
only question asked was; Would you please give your honest opinion about
possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world. The
survey was a complete failure because....
In eastern Europe they didn't know what honest meant.
In western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
In Africa they didn't know what food meant.
In China they didn't know what opinion meant.
In the middle East they didn't know what solution meant.
In South America they didn't know what please meant.
In the USA they didn't know what the rest of the world meant.
And in New Zealand, Australia and Britain everyone hung up as soon as
they heard the Indian accent.
Last month, a world wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The
only question asked was; Would you please give your honest opinion about
possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world. The
survey was a complete failure because....
In eastern Europe they didn't know what honest meant.
In western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
In Africa they didn't know what food meant.
In China they didn't know what opinion meant.
In the middle East they didn't know what solution meant.
In South America they didn't know what please meant.
In the USA they didn't know what the rest of the world meant.
And in New Zealand, Australia and Britain everyone hung up as soon as
they heard the Indian accent.
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: --------Never, Never, Never Be Late
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: --------Never, Never, Never Be Late
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said,"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas..."
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said,"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas..."
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
.....and the transsexual bats for both sides .........NZ Thunderstorm Soc wrote:Here's a joke I made up today whilst chopping some firewood.
Why did the homosexual "match-fixing" cricketer join the cricket team.
He wanted to bat for the other side???
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Simon Culling
- Posts: 2531
- Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
- Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK
Re: JOKE!
Richard the jokes are brilliant.......keep them coming
There are plenty of jokes circulating here in England following our humiliating elimination from the World Cup after just two games, e.g:
"The England team get home before the postcards"
"Cheer up England fans - were now as good as Spain"
"Ronnie Biggs stayed in Brazil for 31 years. The England football team will leave after 2 weeks. This generation just does not have the gritty resolve of yesteryear"
"Goal for Luis Suarez, assist from Steven Gerrard"
"What do you call an Englishmen in the knockout stages of a World Cup?". "A referee"
Its a good job we can laugh at ourselves!!!
Congratulations to the All Blacks - they were just too good for England - but at least the rugby boys put up a fight.
There are plenty of jokes circulating here in England following our humiliating elimination from the World Cup after just two games, e.g:
"The England team get home before the postcards"
"Cheer up England fans - were now as good as Spain"
"Ronnie Biggs stayed in Brazil for 31 years. The England football team will leave after 2 weeks. This generation just does not have the gritty resolve of yesteryear"
"Goal for Luis Suarez, assist from Steven Gerrard"
"What do you call an Englishmen in the knockout stages of a World Cup?". "A referee"
Its a good job we can laugh at ourselves!!!
Congratulations to the All Blacks - they were just too good for England - but at least the rugby boys put up a fight.
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tgsnoopy
- Posts: 3671
- Joined: Fri 25/03/2005 21:17
- Location: Tauranga, NZ (Curse you COVID-19 :-( )
Pastor's false teeth
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....
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Richard
- Posts: 8721
- Joined: Tue 14/07/2009 07:32
- Location: Medbury, Inland North Canterbury
Re: JOKE!
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Roche, Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here. Get off my land"
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the
'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here. Get off my land"
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the
'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
-
tgsnoopy
- Posts: 3671
- Joined: Fri 25/03/2005 21:17
- Location: Tauranga, NZ (Curse you COVID-19 :-( )
Re: JOKE!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass...
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass...
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ....
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'
-
tgsnoopy
- Posts: 3671
- Joined: Fri 25/03/2005 21:17
- Location: Tauranga, NZ (Curse you COVID-19 :-( )
Re: JOKE!
A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. "Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he said.
Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall, she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on, she replied.
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. "I came to inseminate the cow," he said.
Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall, she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on, she replied.