JOKE!

[Richard]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

[Orion]

"I had a case of whisky in my cellar and the missus told me to empty the contents down the sink, or else...so I reluctantly proceeded with the unhappy task.

I drew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with exception of one glass, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I emptied the third bottle, except for a glass, which I drank and then took the cork from the fourth sink, poured the glass down the bottle and drank that too.

I pulled the bottle from the next glass, drank one sink out of it, and emptied the rest down the cork.

Then I pulled the sink from the next bottle and poured it down the glass and drank the cork, and finally I took the glass from the last bottle, emptied the cork, poured the sink down the rest and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles and glasses and corks with the other and found that there were 29: To make sure I recounted them when they came by again and this time there were 74.

As the house came around the next time I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses and sinks and glasses and corks and bottles counted, except one house, which I drank."

[tgsnoopy]

THE TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.


THE ACTIONS:

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-


THE REPLY:

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey! Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his friend, Mick has been hit by a car.
Paddy: "Get an ambulance around here quickly, as my mate has been hit by a car and he has bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both of his legs are broken"
Operator: "What is your location, sir?"
Paddy replies, "Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street"
Operator: "How do you spell the street name?"
There was silence but heavy breathing
Operator: "Are you there?"
There was more heavy breathing and after a minute...
Operator: "Are you still there, can you still hear me? "
This goes on for a few more minutes until....
Operator: "Sir, please answer me.. Can you still hear me?"
Paddy replies, "Yes, sorry about that, I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to No 2 Oak Street"

[Orion]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

[Richard]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ...
CELEBRATE!"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What do you call any pets that Donald Trump may have?
trump pets.
What do you call a dog that Donald trump has who plays a bugle?
A Trumpet.
What sort of ice-cream, Donald Trump does like?
A Trumpet.

...any more contributions?

[tgsnoopy]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

[tgsnoopy]

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more…”

So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said…

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

[Orion]

A young guy grew up with an unhealthy obsession with tractors.
He carved tractors from sundry bits of wood.
He insisted that all his toys were tractors.
He lived tractors day and night and would stand on the roadside watching the farm tractors until well into the night.
As he got older he realised that his obsession with tractors was unhealthy.
He didn't know a single girl in the town who was remotely interested in tractors and he knew that this limited his chances.
So he sought out the local psychotherapist and underwent an intensive program of de-identifying with tractors.
Many years pass and finally the therapy is paying dividends.
He spends entire weeks without thinking about tractors.
With his new outlook he finds that he is able to relate to girls.
Eventually he meets a really sweet girl and decides to take her out to a restaurant.
The meal is going well and he is getting along really well with the girl until the guy at the next table lights up a large cigar.
The guy puffs away contentedly filling the restaurant with smoke.
This noticeably upsets the girl who makes moves about cutting the evening short and leaving.
Our guy decides that he is not giving up without a fight.
So he pushes back his chair and stands. takes an enormous deep breath and entirely clears the restaurant.
The girl is impressed and asks how he managed to clear the entire restaurant of smoke.
Oh, he says, I'm an ex tractor fan.

[Richard]

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he asked if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child, in exchange for a large sum of money. He also agreed to provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked him how he would know when the baby was born…
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write “Spaghetti” on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
The wife obeyed and handed the postcard to him.
She then watched him read the card, turn white, and faint.
On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.”

[tgsnoopy]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told his nurse to bring in a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realise you are prescribed BIRTH CONTROL Pills?''

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.... "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks .... and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

[Richard]

A farmer named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photo shop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helping yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

[Orion]

A man goes to see his GP:

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"I can't help you with that, you should see the psychiatrist down the road."

"i was going there, Doc, but your light was on."

[tgsnoopy]

THIS PRETTY WELL SUMS IT UP !!!

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…’
‘OK’.

Ten years later at 40 they play, then lunch.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games’.
‘OK’.

Ten years later at 50.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘The food is good and there is plenty of parking’.
‘OK’.

At 60.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Wings are half price’.
‘OK’.

At 70.
‘Where you wanna go?’
Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door’.
‘OK’.

At 80.
‘Where you wanna go?’
‘Hooters’.
‘Why?’
‘Never been there before’.

[tgsnoopy]

What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy - the other is a little lighter.

[Orion]

[TonyT]

That reminds me of a very old joke I learnt as a young child:

Q: Who is bigger, Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's son?

A: The son is just a little bigger.

[Orion]

My kids keep making fun of my Alzheimers.
They won't be laughing when they wake up on Christmas morning and there aren't any eggs under the bonfire.

[Orion]

Just been to Whitcoulls and asked the woman for a book about turtles.

She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little heads.”

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

How do you get rid of fleas from your house?

You start from scratch.

[Richard]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Abbot said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.” Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words”.
Sister Mary Katherine said, “Hard bed.”
“I'm sorry to hear that,” the Abbot said, “We will get you a better bed.”
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Abbot, 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine”.
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Abbot assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. “You may say two words today.' 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best', said the Abbot, 'You've done bugger all but moan since you've been here.'

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

It must be confusing to overseas people that now we have an English Prime Minister ??

[Richard]

Good point

[Orion]

"The Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new 'Drive-Thru' CashPoint machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to provide appropriate procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures which apply to you and remember them for when you use our new machines for the first time:
Male:
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Wind down car window
3 Insert card and enter PIN
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5 Retrieve cash, card and receipt
6 Wind up car window
7 Drive away

Female:
1 Drive up to the cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car-window with cash machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6 Turn radio down
7 Attempt to insert card into cash machine
8 Open car-door to allow easier access to cash machine due to excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 After 'Invalid Card' is displayed, remove Farmers' card and insert correct CashPoint card
11 Remove CashPoint card
12 Reinsert CashPoint card the right way up
13 Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page
14 Enter PIN
15 Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN
16 Enter amount of cash required
17 Check makeup in rear-view mirror
18 Retrieve cash and receipt
19 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
20 Place receipt in back of chequebook
21 Recheck makeup
22 Drive forward 2 metres
23 Reverse back to cash machine
24 Retrieve card
25 Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder and place card into slot provided
26 Restart stalled engine and pull off
27 Drive for 2 to 3 kms
.
.
28 Release handbrake."