JOKE!

[Orion]

Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.

Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

Most news programmes just glossed over this.

[Richard]

Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend.
She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her.
When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her.
This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mr. Goldstein.'

[nerd65]

A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar and order a drink. The barman says "No way am I going to serve either of you a drink!" "Why?" asks the bra. The barman responds "Well, you're off your tits and your mate looks like he wants to start something".

[tgsnoopy]

Roger, an experienced Meteorologist/Stormchaser was watching an incoming Supercell in an open field across from the local cemetery.

A hearse and funeral procession drive by. Roger immediately stops taking photographs, puts down his camera and stands in solemn silence for a few seconds before continuing observing & photographing again.

The team is amazed. "We never took you for such a religious man", one of them said.

"Well, she was my wife for 30 years, after all" he replied...

[Richard]

Oh good on Roger, thats dedication.

[Richard]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority. Figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
golf joke
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- so what do you think? intercourse or golf course?'
She said: "Don't forget your hat."

[Richard]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said;

"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

”That's no better either, Hamish.”

”Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out; " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;
...
...
...
..
..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Apparently the price of bouncy castles have more than doubled over the past 10 years due to inflation.

[wembley]

What do you think of this?

When women shouldn't take men shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

[Simon Culling]

This one is rather topical:

At the evening performance the head usher at the New York Metropolitan Opera House was approached during an intermission by a middle aged lady who stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed earlier this evening!"

The usher didn't think much of this complaint, but promised the lady he would check into it as soon as he could.

At the end of the nights performance in an area close to the first complaint, a second little lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed this evening!"

This time, he knew he had to take this matter more seriously.

A few of the audience had remained in the opera house and he decided to go back and question them to see if they had any knowledge of what had happened. He found one old man crawling along the opera house floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?" A bald Donald Trump looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it.

I thought I'd found it twice earlier this evening, but they were both parted in the middle.......and mine's parted on the side!"

[tgsnoopy]

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”

“Yes. Speaking.”

“This is the Atlanta Electric Company. You’re a month overdue!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.

“What are you saying? It’s in your files?! HOW?”

“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

“GOD! This is too much. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak with your company tomorrow.”

That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?! What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“PAY you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.

“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

[Richard]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you apatient of Dr. Smith?'

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock"!

[Richard]

Dear Sir,
I have a Benefits Question :
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
My father eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.
This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed



THE ANSWER:
Of course you qualify Mohammed!
I have arranged for cheques to be mailed to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK


Welcome!
Jeremy Corbin.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What do you call the annual event where dead people participate in the annual running/biking/canoeing/cycling race from Kumara Beach to New Brighton Beach?

The Acadamy Funeral's Ghost to Ghost.

....sorry, I just made this up

[Richard]

Your forgiven hey, when did they start finishing at New Brighton Beach? i always remember Sumner the ending stage

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Dunno?
Today's race was to New Brighton according to the news but then it could be STUFF reporting

[Richard]

Looking at the race finish thats where they ended it

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Probably Sumner was a wee bit too far to get to the coast and the earthquakes might of had something to do with it.

[Richard]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! what will it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That will be 10 Cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit theLottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same"
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're retirees from Australia, they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

[Richard]

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian, goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?

[Richard]

Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with Pastor McMahon's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?
”Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's long-time friend, he agrees.
After the service, he starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally Pastor McMahon gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. “My friend Murphy is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says...

“You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago.”

[Richard]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday..
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb...Test line. It's a good all round combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

[Richard]

A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy……..

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f...ing didn't."…..!!!!!!

[Richard]

You will not believe what happened this morning... I pulled into the BP on Main rd to get a coffee, ... As I was walking in, I noticed the police watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw her & thought, "She probably didn't notice that no smoking sign!!! LOL With the cop right there too?! "But anyway, I went inside and got my coffee. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the door & the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around going crazy! I went outside & the policeman had put her on the ground & was putting the fire out.
Then he put handcuffs on her & threw her in his police car.. I was thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump!! Should have read the sign!! LOL But being the nosy person that I am, I asked the police officer what he was arresting her for... He looked me straight in the eyes & said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

[Orion]

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and the barman asks 'What will you have?'
'A gin' replies the bear.
The barman walks off and comes back with a gin and puts it down in front of him.
'...and tonic.' finishes the bear.
'What's with the big pause?' asks the barman.
The bear looks down and says 'I don't know, my Dad had them too.'