JOKE!

[tgsnoopy]

An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the doctors sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars’

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my flaming braces from your side mirror'

[tgsnoopy]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[Orion]

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

[tgsnoopy]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck

[tgsnoopy]

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The MD made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what! happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

[Orion]

Sad news at the Nestle chocolate factory today: a man was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him beneath.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted, "The Milky Bars are on me", everyone just cheered!!

[Orion]

A warning to all you drivers: be careful about drink-driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....

[tgsnoopy]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Dunedin:

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me?'

The Keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!'

[Richard]

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him.
Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says,
“Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune.
Then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

[tgsnoopy]

Men do remember.jpg

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

An Irish Joke i made up.

Did you hear about the Corkman who didn't drown?
His name was Bob

[Richard]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent..
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A Vending Machine in the mens toilets of the South Sea Hotel in Oban, Stewart Island

[Richard]

Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn.
You made a complete arse of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face. He's an arsehole, Bill said, I could piss on him. "you did," came the reply, “And he fired you”. "Well, screw him then" said Bill.
"I did" said Samantha, “You're back at work on Monday. I'm not having you hanging around the house all day”.

[tgsnoopy]

Will You Live to see 85?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeah I just reached 60).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, bicycling , Playing Bowls ?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..Then, why the heck would you want to live to 85?

[tgsnoopy]

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

The town folk had found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Later they bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."

[tgsnoopy]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1). There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2). It chatters constantly at high speeds

3). Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4). The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5). The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

[Orion]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Wow! In all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

This reminds me of a joke I made up years ago about a brewer who wanted to introduce the urine of weasels into the Speights famous 5 medal ale. He was told to go away as they didn't want their beer to taste like 'weasels piss'.

[Simon Culling]

Hope this does not offend the religious:

An American George was vacationing in the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial was very, very expensive and it could cost him as much as $5,000. The Consul added further that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul replys, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

[Simon Culling]

Another mother-in-law joke, this time from Italy:

Mrs Ravioli visits her son Rocco for dinner at the flat he shares with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Rocco's roommate was.

As the evening went on, Rocco's mother watched the two interact and started to wonder if there was more between Rocco and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Rocco volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria said to Rocco "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So Rocco sat down and wrote this email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son, Rocco

Several days later, Rocco received this response from his Mother:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

As today is the 4th day of this month and you are a Star Wars fan ....


"May the Forth be With you"

[Orion]

"My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."

[Richard]

Girl comes home from school and says,"mummy, we had counting at school today. Most of the girls could only count up to five, but I could count up to ten. Is that 'cause I'm blond mummy?" Mummy says "yes dear, it's because you're blond"
Next day she comes home and says "mummy, today we had the alphabet and most of the girls could only get up to E and I got all the way up to M. Is that 'cause I'm blonde mummy?"Mummy says "yes dear, it's because you're blonde"
The next day she comes home and says "mummy, today we had sports and afterwards we had a shower. I noticed that the other girls had flat chests and I had these. (pulls up jumper to display fine 36 C cups) Is that 'cause I'm blonde mummy?"
Mummy says "No dear, it's because you're 25"