JOKE!

[Richard]

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

[Richard]

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him,
“How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies,
“Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[Richard]

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says.
“My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

[Richard]

Returning from a rugby game, Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn't have any money between them, they could only raise a meagre one Euro.
Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said, 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and my knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, *'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember in which pub I lost the sausage.'*

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you hear about the man who got the last question wrong at the local pub quiz?
The question was, "Where abouts do you find the curliest hair on a person?"
The correct answer was Fiji.

[Orion]

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: Thail into an itheberg

[Richard]

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.
One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favour: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."
Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Frank died.
A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"
"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."
"You're not Frank. Frank just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.
"Frank! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.
"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the past."
"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

[Orion]

Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man...

[Orion]

My dad always said, "No news is good news".

Great guy, awful journalist.

[Orion]

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.

Arriving home from work one night, he informed her,
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable.
We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”

[Richard]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a woman before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and making love. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many contraceptives he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say a prayer and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious!" The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

[Orion]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

[tgsnoopy]

I was walking home late last night and decided to take the short cut through the cemetery. 3 girls approached me as I got near, they explained that they were scared to walk through the cemetery at night. I agreed to left them walk with me. As we neared the centre of the cemetery I told them I understood their fear, I too used to get freaked out walking through cemetery's at night when I was alive. Never seen anyone run so fast before

[Orion]

As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

As we were heading for bed my wife asked "Have you put the wheelie bin out?"
I replied "No, I'll do it in the morning."
She said "What about the cat?"
I replied "Well I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it."

Funny
...but our cat usually sleeps on the bed, so she'll be no good at that.

[Richard]

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approached it and were amazed at its size.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.
Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

[Orion]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and bellows, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

She said, 'Only when he's been drinking.'

[Orion]

When I was a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

[Orion]

Fellow goes into a shop and says:

"I'd like to buy a wasp"

Shopkeeper: "We don't sell wasps"

"But you've got one in the window....."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What did the judge say to the person who was to follow after the previous person in a neck appreciation contest?


"Who's neckst"

[Orion]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip the pilot tells them, "The plane can take only four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board - he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

[Orion]

Chromosomes, a beginner's guide:

XY = Male
XX = Female
YYY = Delilah

[Orion]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'

[Orion]

A recent attempted robbery on a pâtisserie was foiled when the baker rushed out of the back room all buns glazing...

[Richard]

A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure.
So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
“Well”, said the teacher, “The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%.
The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%.
The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”