JOKE!

[tgsnoopy]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A thin man and a fat man were going to the pub one evening and they noticed a very attractive woman at the bar. The thin man was rather shy and asked the fat man to go over and say "Hello" to her.
"Why?" said the fat man.
"Well, you have more guts than me"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A duck and a skunk and a deer went to a licenced restaurant one night for a meal.
They had a good night but then when it came time to pay.
The skunk didn't have a scent.
The deer didn't have a buck.
...so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

[Orion]

"When one door closes, another one opens.

Kitset wardrobes are rubbish."

[Orion]

"I own a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare.

But he chewed it a lot, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B?"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

How did the altar boy get aids?
The priest forgot to clean his organ between hymns.

[tornado]

person 1 will you remember me in a day?

person 2 yes

person 1 in a week?


person 2 yes


person 1 in a month?


person 2 yes


person 1 knock knock

person 2 whos there?

person 1 Hey I thought you said you will remember me

[Orion]

"I call my horse Mayo.

And sometimes Mayo neighs."

[Storm Struck]

In Dublin Ireland on a cold winters morning with snow heavily falling outside and a bitter howling wind.
Pat and his wife Mary were snuggled up warm and cosy in bed, when Pats cellphone rings.
Pat picks it up dazed as ever as he wakes up slowly, " hey its paddy your neighbour i need you to come out and push me im stuck its urgent" pat sighed and said " but its freezing out there cant you get your wife to do it".
" no he replied shes not here".
" alright then ill be out in a moment"
So off Pat went jumped into his wellies and put a jacket over his pajamas.
As Pat wandered outside it was bleak as anything, white powder dropping trees for miles and no sign of Paddy.
Pat gets to his fenceline peers over and yells " where are you Paddy".
To which Pat replies in a happy voice to his left, " im on the kids swing set come give me a push you fat lard " .

[tgsnoopy]

Please don't watch this video without your sense of humor engaged, it's not for everyone.

[Orion]

I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees.

The shop-keeper counted out 13 and handed them over.

I said, "You've given me one bee too many."

The shop-keeper said, "That's a freebie."

[Orion]

A friend of mine, who has a stutter, was telling us about his nana.

By the time he was finished we were all singing Hey Jude.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What becomes wetter the more it dries?

Answer next week sometime ...,,,,between thunderstorms

[Simon Culling]

A couple of recent jokes I have come across:

I can't believe I was arrested the other day for impersonating a politician...…..I was just sitting there doing nothing!


During a recent crime spree, a bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?" The hostage replies, "Yes." The robber raises his pistol and shoots the hostage dead. He turns to the next man and asks, "And did you see my face?" This man replies, "No, but my wife here caught a glimpse!"

[Richard]

My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.


I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? He said.
Would that allow me to live forever?" He said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."


Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.


My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight! Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."


Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.


My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.


Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women's pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.


"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!""
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"



My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

[Orion]

Friend: Look, your husband is talking to that glamorous female.

Wife: Let him talk, I want to see how long he can suck his stomach in.

[Simon Culling]

A man gets on the number 12 bus, sits down and continues to sip the can of diet coke he was drinking. The passenger he sat next to tried to start up a conversation by informing the man that 'diet coke causes cancer'. The man thought for a while and replied 'my grandfather lived until he was 102'. A bit bemused by this answer, his fellow passenger responded by asking 'did he drink diet coke?' to which the man replied 'No, he minded his own business!'

[Richard]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop
'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed-
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'

[Orion]

I do not know why anyone would want a pocket calculator.

I can count the number of pockets I have quite easily.

[Simon Culling]

A seasonal joke:

One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress and not coping very well. He and Mrs Claus had just had a argument, it was nearly time to leave to deliver the presents and his sleigh wasn't loaded. Rudolph and Blitzen had the shits and the elves were talking about going on strike.

Then an angel appeared and walked into his office and asked, "Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?"

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Richard]

I didnt know that wow

[tgsnoopy]

Jake went to the dentist to get a tooth out, and asked what will it cost.
The dentist said £200.
Jake thought was too much, after some thought, he asked about cheaper methods.
The dentist said. "It can be done without anaesthesia and will cost only £30, but it would be very very painful.
Jake said. "OK doc, do it without anaesthesia."
The dentist removed the tooth without anaesthesia and during the entire procedure Jake sat quietly, even smiling a little. The dentist was not only surprised, but was quite impressed and said. "I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, instead, take the £30 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings."
In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing patient.
One of the dentists from the group jumped up and shouted. "Jake came to me first, I gave him anaesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour. After half an hour when I called him he had left"

[Orion]

Q. Where do you go to weigh a pie?

A. Somewhere over the rainbow.

[Orion]

When I go into my local park I like to line up the squirrels in order of height.

I got thrown out for critter sizing.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Here's a photo I took of a nun with a filthy habit