JOKE!

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

During the recent rain event on the West Coast and Taranaki, there was this bloke who said that he had a leak in the roof.
His neighbours thought that, that was disgusting and said "Why didn't you use the toilet instead".

[Orion]

Accidentally trod on my husband's foot:
"Sorry."

Accidentally trod on my dog's paw:
"Oh my God, I'm so SORRY! Are you ok, buddy? I'm SO, SO sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you, You want a treat? You're the best boy, yes you are."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

The local butcher here has started making sausages out of seabirds.
I didn't believe it until I saw him take a tern for the wurst.

[Orion]

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.

Now I'm in A & E, waiting to be seen.

[Orion]

Understanding Engineers:

Percussive Maintenance - I hit it and it started working
Cycle power to the panel - turn it off and on again
High impedance air-gap - I forgot to plug it in
Organic grounding - I got electrocuted
Thermally reconfigured - it melted
Kinetic disassembly - it blew up
Thermal shock - it burned

[Orion]

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman says to the Irishman, "Hey, watch this," and he walks up to the counter when the baker's back is turned and steals three buns, putting them in his pockets.

When he returns to the back of the shop, he says, "Did you see that? It took a lot of skill and guile to pull that off." The Irishman replies, "That's nothing but common thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then walks up to the baker and says, "Excuse me sir. Would you care to see a magic trick?" The baker nods and the Irishman then asks for one of his buns. He proceeds to eat it and then asks for two more, eating them as well.

The baker then says, "OK son, so where's the magic trick?" to which the Irishman replies, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

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[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Did you know that the president of the Russia was not elected for the job, He was just Putin there.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

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[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

Paul Hewson and David Edmonds walk into a bar in Dublin.
The barman says' " Not U2 again"

[Simon Culling]

Father O'Malley is driving along a country road in County Cork when a Garda Officer pulls him over. The Policeman immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat.

He asks: "Have you been drinking there, Father?"

"Just water,, Officer" replied the priest.

The cop then asks: "Then why do I smell wine on your breath?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

A couple of Book titles:

I Once Was On the Top of the Highest Peak in Scotland by Ben Nevis
I Threw Caution to the Wind by Justin Case
Beware of Fences by Barb Dwyer
I Once Had Them Out by A. Pendix

[tgsnoopy]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....
CELEBRATE!"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

I went to the Resene Paint shop to get thinner.
Sadly. it didn't work.

[tgsnoopy]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub back to my house.
The difference is staggering.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

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[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

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[Simon Culling]

The picture of the forecasting stone is a familiar one - it is located in the village of Porthallow in Cornwall - and about 10km from Falmouth.

[NZ Thunderstorm Soc]

What is the best way to beat Ireland?
Play cricket.

[tgsnoopy]

God stood with Noah and looked out over the world and thought it had become wicked and over-populated, I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.

[tgsnoopy]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde lady in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde lady that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde lady replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the flight crew that there is a blonde lady sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The first officer goes back to the blonde lady and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat in economy.

The blonde lady replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The first officer returns to the cockpit and tells the captain that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde lady who won't listen to reason.

The captain says, "You say she is a blonde. I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

The captain goes back to the blonde lady and whispers in her ear.

She says, "Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and first officer are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The captain replies "I told her, 'First class isn't going to Toronto.".

[tgsnoopy]

Unless you have been through a cyclone it's really hard to understand what it's like. I remember when Cyclone Larry hit. I had been through many Cyclones before, but my wife had not. She didn't know what to expect. When the wind started and the trees started to bend and break, I noticed her staring through the glass doors. That look of fear on her face will always stay with me. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. The winds worsened and the rain intensified. She stared through the doors for hours until the eye came over and all went calm. When the wind stopped, I was able to unlock the door and let her in.

(from Whitsundays Chat on Facebook)

[tgsnoopy]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

[tgsnoopy]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery..... everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever ! All his friends and relatives raved about his youthful appearance.....especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'