JOKE!
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- Posts: 2488
- Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
- Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK
Re: JOKE!
An old farmer friend of mine told me he could tell if it was going to rain by whether his cows were lying down or standing up.
I asked "what if half of them were standing up and half of them were lying down?"
He replied that means half of them are wrong.
I asked "what if half of them were standing up and half of them were lying down?"
He replied that means half of them are wrong.
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- Posts: 4298
- Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
- Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.
Re: JOKE!
Psychiatrist: I hear that you have tattoos all over your back and shoulders.
Patient: Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour them in.
Psychiatrist: Why would you do that?
Patient: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.
Patient: Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour them in.
Psychiatrist: Why would you do that?
Patient: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.
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- Posts: 19004
- Joined: Wed 12/03/2003 22:08
- Location: Raukapuka Geraldine
Re: JOKE!
2 men chatting away in a bar.
One says to the other, "My wife knows that I'm cheating, she found my secret letters"
The other guy says, "You both take scrabble, way to seriously".
One says to the other, "My wife knows that I'm cheating, she found my secret letters"
The other guy says, "You both take scrabble, way to seriously".
JohnGaul
NZThS
NZThS
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- Posts: 2488
- Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
- Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK
Re: JOKE!
This is an oldie but still a goodie:
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old replies, "I've never felt better doc. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then replies to his patient. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old replies, "I've never felt better doc. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then replies to his patient. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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- Posts: 2488
- Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
- Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK
Re: JOKE!
A shy gentleman goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After a few drinks and an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”
Everyone in the bar turns their head in unison and stares at them, and naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m very sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
She responds by yelling at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”
Everyone in the bar turns their head in unison and stares at them, and naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m very sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
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- Posts: 4298
- Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
- Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.
Re: JOKE!
Due to the really bad weather, my friend decided to see if his 83 yr old neighbour needed anything from the shop. She did, so he gave her his list. No point in both of them going out in this weather
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- Posts: 4298
- Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
- Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.
Re: JOKE!
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
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- Posts: 4298
- Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
- Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.
Re: JOKE!
A large snail (with a large 'S' painted on each side of his shell) slithered into a car salesroom and settled himself on the chair at one of the salesmen's desks, announcing "I want to order a new car."
"Yes, certainly," replies the rather surprised salesman.
"I want it to be the sports model, so that it has an 'S' in the model number at the rear," says the snail.
"Of course it will," replies the salesman.
"I also want large 'S' to be painted on the bonnet as well as a large 'S' on both the driver's and the passenger's doors," the snail adds.
"That will cost a bit more but that can be arranged," the salesman adds.
"I would also like a personalised number-plate with the letter 'S' on it as much as possible."
"We would have to look into what can be arranged for you and at what extra cost," the salesman continues.
"Also, I would like the exhaust sounds to be adapted so that when the engine is revved the exhaust sound gives out a series of three short 'blips' of exhaust noise," adds the snail.
"I am sure that at a cost this can be arranged with our workshop team," the salesman assures "but why the three short 'blips'?"
"That is 'S' in Morse Code," replies the snail.
"Oh," replies the salesman who is finding this all a rather strange car sale deal. "If you don't mind me asking, why such an emphasis on the letter 'S'?"
The snail smiles and explains, "When I rev the engine I want to get people's attention so that when I pull away fast, people will say
"Look at that S-car go'...!!"
"Yes, certainly," replies the rather surprised salesman.
"I want it to be the sports model, so that it has an 'S' in the model number at the rear," says the snail.
"Of course it will," replies the salesman.
"I also want large 'S' to be painted on the bonnet as well as a large 'S' on both the driver's and the passenger's doors," the snail adds.
"That will cost a bit more but that can be arranged," the salesman adds.
"I would also like a personalised number-plate with the letter 'S' on it as much as possible."
"We would have to look into what can be arranged for you and at what extra cost," the salesman continues.
"Also, I would like the exhaust sounds to be adapted so that when the engine is revved the exhaust sound gives out a series of three short 'blips' of exhaust noise," adds the snail.
"I am sure that at a cost this can be arranged with our workshop team," the salesman assures "but why the three short 'blips'?"
"That is 'S' in Morse Code," replies the snail.
"Oh," replies the salesman who is finding this all a rather strange car sale deal. "If you don't mind me asking, why such an emphasis on the letter 'S'?"
The snail smiles and explains, "When I rev the engine I want to get people's attention so that when I pull away fast, people will say
"Look at that S-car go'...!!"
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- Posts: 4298
- Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
- Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.
Re: JOKE!
Given the winter conditions as of late, the AA has recommended that anyone travelling in icy conditions should carry a blanket/warm clothing, sleeping bag, hat and gloves, 24-hour supply of food and drink, torch, spare battery, first aid kit, jerry can of petrol and jumper leads.
I looked a complete pillock on the bus!
I looked a complete pillock on the bus!