JOKE!

Non-weather discussion and chatter. Other sciences and seismic events. Trade and exchange.
NZ Thunderstorm Soc
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by NZ Thunderstorm Soc »

What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

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I went to a restaurant the other day and ordered a curry pelican.
It was delicious but the bill was massive.
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

I bought a jumper at a bargain price because it was a 'second'.

I checked it over carefully and the only fault I could find was that one sleeve was slightly longer than the other two.
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight.

You have .... 4 mist messages.
Simon Culling
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Simon Culling »

An old farmer friend of mine told me he could tell if it was going to rain by whether his cows were lying down or standing up.

I asked "what if half of them were standing up and half of them were lying down?"

He replied that means half of them are wrong.
NZ Thunderstorm Soc
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Re: JOKE!

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Why is a permanently stuck crane the best friend you will ever have?
It will never let you down.
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Psychiatrist: I hear that you have tattoos all over your back and shoulders.

Patient: Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour them in.

Psychiatrist: Why would you do that?

Patient: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

My wife’s been nagging me all day to stop behaving like a flamingo. Eventually I just had to put my foot down.
NZ Thunderstorm Soc
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Re: JOKE!

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II had a terrifying experience last night.
I was alone in the house having a bath...when all of a sudden...I felt a tap on my shoulder.
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

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2 men chatting away in a bar.
One says to the other, "My wife knows that I'm cheating, she found my secret letters"
The other guy says, "You both take scrabble, way to seriously".
JohnGaul
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Simon Culling
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Simon Culling »

This is an oldie but still a goodie:

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old replies, "I've never felt better doc. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then replies to his patient. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
NZ Thunderstorm Soc
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by NZ Thunderstorm Soc »

What happens when you lie under a cow?
You get a pat on your head.
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

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Don’t believe everything that you read on Social Media!

- Winston Churchill
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

The coffee shop had a sign that read "No WiFi, pretend that it's 1973!" so I paid 1s/3d and lit a cigarette.
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Just bought myself an original Van Gogh coffee table.

Got it cheap as it has a bit of veneer missing.
Simon Culling
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Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Simon Culling »

A shy gentleman goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After a few drinks and an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

Everyone in the bar turns their head in unison and stares at them, and naturally the guy is extremely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m very sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

"Just bought a new hearing aid. Two thousand quid. State of the art."

- "What kind is it?"

"12:30."
Orion
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Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Q. Where do bad rainbows go?

A. To prism. It's a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect.
Simon Culling
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Joined: Mon 23/11/2009 06:41
Location: Tiverton, Devon, UK

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Simon Culling »

Christnas Cracker joke:

Q: How did the reindeer learn to play the piano?

A: He was elf taught!
Orion
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Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Due to the really bad weather, my friend decided to see if his 83 yr old neighbour needed anything from the shop. She did, so he gave her his list. No point in both of them going out in this weather
Orion
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

I’ve opened 3 Christmas cards and already have 150 dollars!

I love being a mailman.
Orion
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Joined: Sun 08/08/2010 16:49
Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
NZ Thunderstorm Soc
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Re: JOKE!

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"I was attacked by a wolf the other day"
"Where?"
"No , it was an ordinary one"
JohnGaul
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Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

A large snail (with a large 'S' painted on each side of his shell) slithered into a car salesroom and settled himself on the chair at one of the salesmen's desks, announcing "I want to order a new car."
"Yes, certainly," replies the rather surprised salesman.
"I want it to be the sports model, so that it has an 'S' in the model number at the rear," says the snail.
"Of course it will," replies the salesman.
"I also want large 'S' to be painted on the bonnet as well as a large 'S' on both the driver's and the passenger's doors," the snail adds.
"That will cost a bit more but that can be arranged," the salesman adds.
"I would also like a personalised number-plate with the letter 'S' on it as much as possible."
"We would have to look into what can be arranged for you and at what extra cost," the salesman continues.
"Also, I would like the exhaust sounds to be adapted so that when the engine is revved the exhaust sound gives out a series of three short 'blips' of exhaust noise," adds the snail.
"I am sure that at a cost this can be arranged with our workshop team," the salesman assures "but why the three short 'blips'?"
"That is 'S' in Morse Code," replies the snail.
"Oh," replies the salesman who is finding this all a rather strange car sale deal. "If you don't mind me asking, why such an emphasis on the letter 'S'?"

The snail smiles and explains, "When I rev the engine I want to get people's attention so that when I pull away fast, people will say

"Look at that S-car go'...!!"
Orion
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Location: Ashburton, Mid-Canterbury, 110m asl.

Re: JOKE!

Unread post by Orion »

Given the winter conditions as of late, the AA has recommended that anyone travelling in icy conditions should carry a blanket/warm clothing, sleeping bag, hat and gloves, 24-hour supply of food and drink, torch, spare battery, first aid kit, jerry can of petrol and jumper leads.

I looked a complete pillock on the bus!